The Uncertainty Principle

For a lot of us, life can be a predictable trajectory. We know when we were born, we have plans to go to school, perhaps marry, have children, buy a home, get a dog. Find a career that suits our needs. Fall in love several times. The list is unending, but our desires never are.

My recent diagnosis of the combined type of ADHD confirms for me something I have known all my life; that I work differently from others, that my life is different, and will continue to look unique in comparison to supposed neurotypicals out there. Believing once I was like everyone else, I yearned and longed to be the same as them, able to reach my dreams with the same ease as they did; to be special, but not too special. But now I understand only part of this is true, and that I will never be the person I imagined I would be. But it turns out this is a good thing. (More on this later.)

I have realized life is never how it seems, and can indeed not only look different from one day to the next, but actually can be flipped on its head in the same timeframe. The way I felt about who I was and how I wanted my life to go has changed dramatically in just the past three days. More things have been brought to my attention. I am more aware of myself and others than I have ever been. Regarding the nature of my relationships. The nature of my work and career. The nature of who I am. Not at my core, but who I am in this life.

Scientifically, the uncertainty principle can be a relief. The impossibilities and the unknowns are more than theoretical; they are practically discernible facts. And this is where I am landing today. The truth is I never know what is going to happen, from one day to the next, and how that will determine the course of my existence. But I have decided, that in the face of uncertainty, there are only two other things of which I can be certain: the existence of a self-aware universe (aka God), and that I am a part of that universe.

There come moments in life when we may not know what to expect next, but we can still have expectations. Whether we accept it or not, we are the drivers of our own lives, with no one else to blame if anything goes “wrong” in it. Yes, I agree that terrible things happen to us at the hands of others, myself included. But what do I do with that? Will I allow these experiences to overshadow the good that has happened in my life? So much to talk about here.

Those two truths I can be certain of require that I be open to much change and drama, even without much advanced notice. As we philosophically understand the uncertainty principle, we truly cannot know where someone will be one day from now, much less what they intend to be mere seconds from this moment. So, a similar question is posed: what do we do when so much of life is up in the air? Do we accept this level of uncertainty and move forward with hope in hand, brushing our fears to the side? Or do we stall, hoping things fall into place as we inch towards the next step in our lives?

I have finally reached a crossroads, where I am the one making the decision of what happens next, not some outside force, or even a person I once cared deeply for. So much of my life I have spent submitting to the needs and cares of others, putting my own on the back burner, and often neglected to my own detriment. I gave up the last twenty years of my life to a relationship that I thought would last forever, foregoing a formal career so I could raise my beautiful four children. With the youngest now a young teenager, and the oldest out of the home, I have realized I have no idea who I am, other than a creation of God. I have always borrowed identities, or ideals so that I had a sense of belonging, thinking that all I had to do was fit in somehow, and I was set. Now with everything in upheaval, the cogs of the wheel of my life thrown in all directions, I feel like I am staring at these parts, and wondering, “How do I put all this back together?” Though I’m no mechanic, I am creative, and can look at what I’ve been given, and put together something beautiful and valuable that I can be proud of.

Part of this crossroads in my life involves me setting down ideals of who I thought I was, and picking up new ways of thinking about who I am in this world.

I thought I was a Christian; I’m really not. I believe that the universe is self-aware due to an omnipresent and highly benevolent intelligence, the force we referred to as God.

So, I have made the decision to walk away from my church, and humanity’s contrived religions. I am seeking to continue my own pursuit of mysticism, a personal relationship with who or what made me. I am no longer a Christian, but choose to be guided by love, wherever it takes me. I will lead my children and teach others to live lives they are proud of. I want people to know they have the God-given authority to affect change for themselves, and to be responsible for what they’ve been given.

I thought I was a wife. I’m really not. I submitted to my husband as best I could, thinking I would be appreciated for all my sacrifice and that the God of the universe would look at me and think I had such good traditional beliefs and morals. So when my husband left me, I was left wondering much about who I was in his absence.

Turns out I was more than a wife. I was (and am) a woman, a human being with deep needs and desires, that deserves to be treated better than she actually was. I was and am someone that deserved to be loved and appreciated fully, and even worthy as an object of another’s lifelong commitment. This was not what God, or the Universe had planned for me, however.

So, I have made the decision to put myself first, to submit to my own desires, and plan my life assuming there will be no one I will ever be able to depend upon in the context of relationship or marriage. I have chosen to be my own person, and actively pursue what I’ve always dreamt of being or doing. No longer will I submit to anyone. God is not a force to submit to, but rather a source of unconditional love and comfort, reminding me that I belong no matter who I am, and that I am never, ever going to be rejected. So, forward I move in my own life, forging my own path, and enjoying my life to its fullest.

I thought I was just like everyone else. Turns out this was false as well. I really was not. This past Monday, when I was diagnosed with ADHD, it confirmed for me what I had always suspected. That the mind I thought I had was really not normal in any way, shape or form. (What is normal, by the way?) That the brain I had, that craved a typical existence, was never going to happen. Because this was not what the universe had planned for me.

So I made the decision to accept this diagnosis, and welcome the idea that I am never going to have the same thoughts, feelings and behaviors that others might have. Accepting this is a huge relief to me, though it still comes with its challenges, as I navigate a neurotypical world that is unkind to those who operate with varying levels of executive function.

I thought I would always be under the direction of someone else. God. My husband. A boss. Even in some cases, my own male children. Turns out it doesn’t need to be this way.

I have made the decision to no longer live under the patriarchal system that has asserted itself in my life in so many ways. I am now the head of me. As the head of my household and the queen of my castle, there is no reason to pretend I should be under the direction or lead of a man. This system has been so detrimental to me over the course of my life. I spent my childhood pleading to have my daddy back. I spent my teenage years, 20s, 30s, even my 40s wishing and hoping to have a man love me back the way I would want them to. That never came to fruition. And now I understand why. It’s because the Universe was teaching me I can never get from someone else what I’m not willing to give myself. And for me, that was unconditional love. And grace. And if God is present in everything, then it is also in me.

I thought I was always going to be a mother or someone’s employee, and nothing else. Once I got married, I had decided my next course of action was to become a mother. But before I got married, I had asked my ex-husband if we got hitched, would he want me to stay home with the kids. Instead of seeing my question as valid, his answer was “Well, of course!” However, this would be a big struggle for me, as I was raised by a single mother who worked full-time outside the home, while he was brought up in a nuclear family, where his father worked, while his mom stayed home and took care of the kids. I ended up resenting this setup, but I felt guilty that after having four kids, about wanting to go pursue my own interests. I mean, why would I leave all I have done, to go do my own thing? I would be left feeling so guilty. And how un-Christian of me to work outside the home! I judged others harshly, but I also judged myself even worse. So I asked myself, could I still be a mother and do anything other than mother? Thankfully, the answer is yes.

So, I made the decision to fully pursue a job as a self-publishing writer, hoping one day to earn my own income from selling my books of creative literature. I also made the decision today to enroll in the local college, so I can take classes of interest to me, such as astronomy, psychology, anthropology, and women’s studies. If everything goes well, and according to my plan, I should begin my first class in late September. This is a huge step for me, as I have not earned credit in academia since I graduated from UVA in the late 90s. At the risk of sounding new age, I am feeling grounded and empowered.

So as I apply the principle of uncertainty to my life, I have come to the conclusion that if I can not know what to expect from one moment to the next, how can I live out my life in a way that I can be grateful for and proud of? If so little in this world and life is uncertain, why not live in a way that asserts my own certainty? In other words, instead of expecting myself to live according to a faith I cannot see or believe in something I no longer adhere to, I will choose to create my own certainty.

Yes, life will throw curveballs at me the way it always has. And I will always get hit in the face when this happens. But at least I know the likelihood of this not happening to me equals the likelihood of a physicist being able to pinpoint the exact location of an electron. Expecting the unexpected is a part of life I will never get used to. But at least I can have the comfort of knowing surprises are always just around the corner.

In celebration of this special turning point in my life, I wrote a poem, entitled In Full Bloom, for this week’s Wednesday post, in addition to this blog. I hope you find it as meaningful as I did. 🙂