The Path Not Yet Traveled: Forging My Own Way

The past two weeks or so, I am more adamant than ever about leading my own life. It seems everyday I am creating more boundaries, expressing my needs, becoming more genuine in my actions and words. The more I recognize and address my own desires and take care of myself accordingly, the happier, more content I am in daily life. Yes, I still have to deal with people. I have some kids I still need to manage on a daily basis. This continues to be a challenge for me, due to the nature of my identity, personality and the betrayal trauma I’ve endured. But it pleases me to understand myself better everyday, and do the things I enjoy. I’d rather do that than fulfill unspoken expectations I am somehow supposed to intuit on my own.

I have wasted so much — I mean, so much — of my life trying my best to please others, and do things I think they would want me to do. It’s doubly hard to live the life of my dreams, as a woman, a mother, former wife and ex-Christian. My prior religion dictated how I should behave. Who I should serve. Who I should hang out with. A religion that spells out what kinds of friends to have? Not anymore. It told me what to say. I remember an old pastor, now infamous due to our church controversy, telling us how often to “do it.” I was told by a different pastor in premarital counseling learning about and believing in any aspect of NDEs (near-death experiences) was demonic. He also said to read a specific book about how Christian women should behave again, and this time, actually do what it says. No pressure, right? Performance anxiety, anyone?

I never thought I would say this, but I’ve come to believe there is no objective reality or morality out there. Whatever is truly at the top of the spiritual pyramid is more the source of all reality rather than any form of morality itself. I believe divinity, or light, is present in all things, material or spiritual. Therefore, anything able to be everywhere at once can only result in subjective realities for all involved. If the source of all ideas, thoughts and manifestations is truly omnipresent, how is it logical to believe this is somehow objective?

If I am my own person, with my own thoughts and desires and ideas, is it reasonable to expect me to adhere to any belief system outside of my reach or influence? What is the point of that? Religion, as a whole, but in particular Christianity, is designed to keep people, especially women, in line. It teaches us to trust Scripture, the church, and our husbands, and surrender to the God of the Bible. And once I relinquish most of my self-agency, everything will be alright, because now it’s all in God’s hands.

I can no longer do this.

Going forward, I choose to create my own path, and not allow patriarchy and religion to dictate my life choices. I believe I have a divine spark within me, a light that will be never be snuffed out. I choose to acknowledge this truth and allow it to shine. Allowing my own light to guide my path, I know it will take me where I want to go. This is how I intend to live out my life, as I move into the unknown, with myself leading the way, as the captain of my ship.

Yesterday, I wrote a poem called Pied Piper. This is a dream-state story relating an old Germanic fairy tale to my present-day experience of leaving Christianity and the church behind. I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think.

Due to my sudden change in perspective and Christian deconversion, I will be revamping my website. The goal is to replace the focus on religion with the general topic of spirituality. At the moment, I am unsure how to move forward with these topics of discussion. I am no longer writing devotionals at all, at least in the apologetic sense. (I am toying with the idea of writing brief essays where I deconstruct Scripture, but I need time to figure this one out.) Currently, I am working on the final draft of my latest book, Life Rewritten: Poems and Stories from a Previous Existence. I hope I can submit this by Friday. Fingers crossed!

Have a good week! And don’t forget to breathe. ∞